"Somebody says, ‘We really want you to do this script.’ And I say, ‘I’d need an awful lot of money in front to do that one.’ And that never seems to be a problem. The less I like the script, the higher my price. And they pay. They may pay in yen, but they pay. Not that I’m a complete whore, understand. There are movies I won’t do for any amount. I turned down ‘Patton’ and I turned down ‘Dirty Harry.’ Movies that piss on the world. If I’ve got $5 in my pocket, I don’t need to make money that fucking way, daddy." — Robert Mitchum

"Somebody says, ‘We really want you to do this script.’ And I say, ‘I’d need an awful lot of money in front to do that one.’ And that never seems to be a problem. The less I like the script, the higher my price. And they pay. They may pay in yen, but they pay. Not that I’m a complete whore, understand. There are movies I won’t do for any amount. I turned down ‘Patton’ and I turned down ‘Dirty Harry.’ Movies that piss on the world. If I’ve got $5 in my pocket, I don’t need to make money that fucking way, daddy." — Robert Mitchum

John Boehner’s diary, probably

John Boehner’s diary, probably

I didn’t know Michael Hastings. We had one interaction which consisted of me writing him a fan letter about how great his book on the 2012 election was and him politely thanking me. But I’d read him in Rolling Stone since forever and followed him on Twitter since, well, forever. And though it is entirely one way, you get to “know” someone like that. Even more so in Hastings’ case because a voice like his and a wit like his are so rarely found in journalists so good that they single handedly change the course of American foreign policy. 
So fuck. It’s sad. I’m sad. It’s fucking sad.
RIP

“Do you hear that sound, Mitch? It’s opportunity knocking. You’re gonna nail this scene. You’re gonna kill it, book this role then go to a bar and fuck a model. Ok, Mitch? Just fuck it. Nail it, kill it, fuck it. Fly to Belize! Here’s the scene: There’s been a lottery drawing. Big winner. $500 million. Man wins. EUPHORIC! You know that rush? That feeling?… You don’t know anything about that though, because that’s not you. You’re two blocks away. Meanwhile, the man’s husband is driving. He has no idea that his husband is about to leave him because he won that money. But he’s going to, Mitch. It’s going to be hard and cold and he will not come back from it. He’s gonna be devastated. Gun in the mouth devastated. But not yet, because he doesn’t know. That’s when he walks into your 7-11, Mitch. He grabs a diet coke. You have one line, “$1.31… Thank you.” He leaves. That’s it. Simple. Don’t over think it. You ready? Do this. Ok, here we go. 3…2…1…By the way you’re jewish… Go!”
— Excerpt from my forthcoming Kindle Single, “7 Impossible Situations That It Would Be Humorous To Place An Actor In”
“I beg of you, don’t ask me to choose between ‘Hangover’ II and III. That would be like asking a mother to choose between her children, assuming she hated her children, never wanted to see them again and wished they’d never been born in the first place”
Kyle Smith (via)
“Callooh, callay, o frabjous day, The Newsroom is returning to television. Aaron Sorkin’s delightfully bad cable news drama is, bizarrely, one of the best times on TV. It’s just so pompous and histrionic and out-of-touch. And it’s fun to be smarter than it is; we know more, because we live in the future! Slickly made and well-acted nonsense, The Newsroom is a wonderful satire that’s not meant to be a satire. I love it. Honestly. I hope it runs for years and years. (July 14)”

Like sand in an hourglass, these are the days of our lives

"You people astound me! You’re talking about… what the hell are you talking about? This is work! This place is on fire and the firemen are coming and the firemen are coming to put bullets in our heads! You’re talking about your kids and your social lives and how nice it is to have a salad at the Pierre like you’re on A St. with a big dick in your hand and tittes in your mouth. SHUT UP… You hear that? That’s the sound of Amazon taking tittes out of your mouth. "
No one at Hammacher-Schlemmer had ever given a speech such as this.

You know how in movies sometimes there is a character who has been repressing a bunch of emotions for a while and then experiences an unrelated minor inconvenience that he or she responds to with an inappropriate and mystifying meltdown completely out of proportion to the inconvenience itself?
I just learned that actually happens in real life, too.

Terrible TV show pitch, #1

When I was a child I used to pitch my dad Hollywood ideas. They were terrible. This is the one that to this day he makes fun of me about.

Int. Kitchen — 1999 — Evening

BEN
Think about prison. Are you doing that?
RICHARD
Yes.
BEN
Men, large ones, small ones, evil ones, innocent ones, all living together. In prison.
RICHARD
Ok.
BEN
Cots, sleeping on them.
RICHARD
I get it.
BEN
I don’t think you do, showering together.
Blank stare.
BEN
Two words: NBC Sitcom.
Blank stare.
BEN
Like Hogan’s Heroes.
RICHARD
But instead of American G.I.s, you have prison inmates?
BEN
Now we’re clicking.
RICHARD
Thieves,
(ben nods along)
Pimps,
BEN
Yep.
RICHARD
Murderers, drug-dealers,
BEN
Uh huh.
RICHARD
Rapists, pedophiles
BEN
Oh yeah.
(Delighted. Richard seems into this idea.)
RICHARD
You know what’s not funny about pedophiles, ben?
(Ben cocks his head)
They fuck children.

The End

Terrible film pitches, No. 1

Period piece. Germany. 1930s. Two star-crossed kids caught up in a movement the magnitude and evil ambition of which they can’t begin to understand. A love story with a political, historical background. Like Primary Colors and All The King’s Men, Coming this fall, “Adolph & Eva”! Tag: “They deserved each other”